The Man Who Raised Me

Hi all,

 

This post is more of a journal entry for me, it will consist of my feelings and fears of my 180 I have coming my way. I will more than likely ramble. I use this as a coping mechanism as well as an example for those whom journal their thoughts as well.

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So, if you have read my blog before you are quite aware of the man whom raised me. The man whom broke my heart into a million pieces several times and then left me there to pick myself up as he sat behind bars in a cell as cold as his heart. The man whom gave me anxiety. Well, it just so happens that this same man will be free in twelve short days.

 

Yeah. T-W-E-L-V-E.

 

My mind races with thoughts trying to formulate how I actually and whole heartedly feel about the whole ordeal. He hasn’t been a part of my day to day life since 2012. He doesn’t know I have two college degrees. He doesn’t know how indescribably happy my boyfriend makes me. He doesn’t know that I no longer wear Areopostal. He, honestly, probably doesn’t even know what I look like… and this is what breaks me.

A man who I once trusted with my life and was so inseparable from knows nothing about me. A man whom I once called, Daddy, doesn’t even know my boyfriend’s name, the car I drive, or my address.

Honestly, I’m not even sure he cares to know. Ever since I chose to get a paternity test in 2010 he has not claimed me as his daughter.

 

FEAR.

I fear that my now content, peaceful life will be disturbed. I feel I will be interacting with law officers, DHS, and court officials in the near future.

I feel fear as my mother will no longer sleep peacefully at night. She will have her fear all brought back to her conscious mind and be in a constant state of anxiety. My poor, poor mother does not deserve to live in fear anymore.  I feel for my sister as she now has my niece to protect from the man whom broke her and how she has to cope with the memories and feelings brought to her heart.

My anxiety leads me to believe many thoughts over the man whom raised me. But in each of those thoughts is FEAR.

I truly fear my family’s life will, again, be in danger.

 

WORRY.

My heart aches knowing my baby sister is going into this situation alone. Growing up I always had my elder sister to guide me and hide me from the abuse and veer my focus from the reality of what was happening. Since my elder sister and I no longer have a relationship with him, my little sister is on her own. This instills an immense amount of worry to my heart. And I so selflessly want to just go with her so I know she won’t be alone and can protect her in those scary times. I feel an immense amount of worry that she will be hurt and broken like he left me, and she, of all people, does not deserve that.

I worry that I won’t be prepared to greet him, whenever and wherever that may be. I worry I’ll shut down and enter a panic attack. Or my coping mechanisms won’t be enough for the level of intensity he will bring.

I worry I will lose my sense of self again.

 

HOPE.

Regardless of the hurt and damage the man has done, I hope to someday be at peace.

And call me crazy but I hope to, someday, have my daddy back.

 

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Unfortunately, these next twelve days will not be full of lollipops and rainbows as the FEAR and WORRY are overtaking what little HOPE I have for the man whom raised me. I have been trying every coping mechanism I have and nothing is making those thoughts leave my mind. I am not prepared for battle again. And I have never felt more weak. The battle between my two minds has been constant and I cannot get this 180 out of my head. I have been crying myself to sleep no matter how lathered in lavender I am or how many meditations I do. Its sickening. I am terrified for whats to come, but it ‘s coming, weather I am ready or not.

 

XO,

Justine

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HELP.

Hi all,

As most of you know, if you follow my Brave Strong & Broken Facebook page, I have officially completed all course work for my Bachelors Degree in Human Sciences. But this was no easy task, its not easy for anyone, especially those struggling with an anxious depressive mindset.

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These past few months have been rough for me and anyone I directly interact with.

I have spent numerous days in bed with an elephant on my chest and a swarm of thoughts in my mind replaying my to-do list.

My mind degraded my body by saying the most demeaning things in hopes that my body would gain motivation.

But with those words my body sunk further and further into the comfort of my mattress and feared to even let a toe seep out of the blanket.

The battle between my two illnesses became real.

My migraines were happening biweekly and I was getting sick to my stomach from all of my stress. I was beyond irritable. And most definitely the most sour peach on the tree.

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With the help of.. my support crew I was able to get out of bed, attend class, and complete assignments.  I have three people whom I am close with an able to fully express my illness with as I know they struggle alike. I will forever cherish those connections. Without my crew I wouldn’t have received the grades I did or even have showered on some days. I cannot stress it enough. SURROUND YOURSELF WITH SUNSHINE and RID YOURSELF OF TOXINS. Once you find your solid support system your anxiety will begin to appear less and less. If you need someone to pour your toxins into, I am here for you. If you know someone struggling, be their sunshine.

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With the help of.. YOGA. Yes, as silly as it sounds, this is one of the biggest reasons I graduated college. Applying myself in a relaxing environment focusing solely on my body and hushing my mind by continually repeating, “You are here, you are now, you are present.” Yes, I know, weird. BUT IT WORKS! If your illness doesnt allow you to attend a class at your local studio/gym, there are THOUSANDS of videos on YouTube. Thats where I started. 🙂

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With the help of.. ESSENTIAL OILS.  I starting using DoTerra oils in January to substitute for medication, because my body reacted negatively.  These oils can reach you at any mental state. This specific company has a line focusing on Mental Health. So naturally, I have like all of them. HAHA. Since using my Motivate oil,  I am able to suppress my depression and with my InTune, Serenity, and Lavender oil I am able to quiet my anxious mind. The change I am receiving makes me want to share the love of what my boyfriend likes to call, “Hocus Pocus B.S.” But don’t let Austie fool you, the reactions are REAL.

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With the help of.. YOU. Brave, Strong, and Broken consists of an out poor of my life, thoughts, feelings, and mental state as blunt as it gets. Surprisingly, this has been extremely therapeutic. I have touched the lives of many people whom interact daily with Mental Health issues. A dream come true. The fact that YOU inform me of the impact I have within your lives instills complete happiness in my heart. I appreciate you all so so much.

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Throughout my final semester there was doubt in my mind everyday that I wouldn’t make it to  graduation. But with HELP I was able to achieve and master what I set forth to do.  Coping with a mental illness is no easy task but more times than not, we come out on top.

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WE ARE BRAVE.

WE ARE STRONG.

WE ARE just a little BROKEN. 

 

 

 

With great gratitude,

Justine Stevens

The Cold Hard Truth

Hi all,

So I have shared with you my experiences with mental illness throughout my life but I never took the time to explain and define what Mental Illness is. I have recently done some research over the matter to complete an up and coming project (stay tuned) so I am here to share that research with you. 🙂

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First and foremost, for those suffering like myself, we need to realize it is NOTHING to be ashamed of. It is a health condition just like heart disease or diabetes. We withhold a chemical imbalance in our brain which results in us suffering from our diagnosis. 

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Definition: A wide range of conditions that affect your mood, thinking, and behavior.

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MENTAL ILLNESS CAN BE: 

  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
  • Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD)
  • Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD)
  • Eating Disorders
  • Addiction
  • ect…

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1 in 5 adults suffer.

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Naturally, my research faulted to me looking deeper into Anxiety and Depression and quite honestly I had never looked into my diagnosis before this.

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Depression

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Depression is feelings of severe despondency and dejection. Ok, honestly what does that even mean?! Since I suffer daily, I looked further into this. Not only does society not understand but apparently the internet doesn’t either. They attempt to mask the true and brutal reality of what life is really like living with these illnesses. I asked those I know around me to describe Depression into their words. So, friends, here is a little reality.

DEPRESSION IS:

  • “Watching not only yourself, but your whole world fall apart and only able to blankly stare at the mess that is being created.” -Z.S.
  • “There is a constant feeling of pressure on your chest like you’re struggling to breathe and you live each day without suffocating” -S.G.
  • “Not being able to get out of bed because there is such a severe lack of motivation” –J.S.

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what does depression feel like

This image describes the effects of depression on my life. On days where my depression affects me I feels as if I am trapped in a pool of thoughts from my past and unable to swim my way out of it. I am unable to do anything for that matter, my body shuts down and provides me with no motivation to complete even a simple shower. Depression can be scary because you only sink deeper and deeper into it once it has hit you.

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Anxiety

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Anxiety is a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about a current event or something with an uncertain outcome.

 

I again felt the textbook definition did no justice to the reality of the illness, below you’ll find blunt definitions from a few people whom suffer.

ANXIETY IS…

  • “Feeling like your drowning while watching everyone around you breathing”    –Z.S.
  • “When your stressed all the time because your mind tells you that things are way more important than they actually are so then you just scream and cry” -S.G.
  • “A weight placed on your chest blocking not only your breath but blocking you from your fullest potential because the voices in your head continually remind you of your worthlessness” -J.S.

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This picture speaks volumes to me. This picture is what my mind feels like EVERY day.

The anxious mind is comparable to a bowl of spaghetti or a page of scribbles. You can be thinking about one totally rational thing that is relatable to your current activity but seconds later your thoughts lead to something completely irrational and unrelated and you begin to feel the weight on your chest and your breaths become shorter and you panic.

For instance: The other day I was driving on the highway to meet some group members and complete a portion of our project and ended up getting a flat tire..

I rationally thought, pulled over and called for help.

BUT within seconds I was thinking that my group members weren’t going to believe my story and I was going to fail the project and be unable to graduate

And then seconds after that my mind switched noodles and went on a tangent of someone pulling up behind me, me being kidnapped, and then trafficked.

Resulting in me having a panic attack in my car on the side of the highway patiently waiting for my help.

SERIOUSLY?!?!

This is a daily occurrence and it is beyond irritating because I know my thoughts are irrational but I cannot stop or control them.

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This is the reality. This is what life with mental illness is really like. The cold hard truth.

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I hope my words provided more of an insight to Mental Illness and how it affects one’s life. Luckily, mental illness is not terminal, there are ways to treat and cope with it. For me, I share my story and struggles with you. It heals my soul and distracts my mind.

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So thank you for being here and reading my blog, you’re healing me.

With great gratitude,

Justine

 

Do’s and Don’ts with Anxiety

Hi all,

 

How many of you are around someone with mental health issues and just do NOT know how to help them?!

Heck, most of the time I am unsure of how to handle my own anxiety.

This post will supply you with the Do’s and Don’ts for those with Mental Health issues.

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Do Educate Yourself.

    • If you’re around an anxious soul, google anxiety. Learn about the illness. This not only will improve your knowledge but will prove to the person you truly care. Moreover, educate yourself about their case alone. Get to know their triggers and destressors and be aware. This portion will take time and rapport but will pay off in the end.

Don’t Assume.

  • Just because one person you know likes to be held during an attack doesn’t not mean everyone likes that. Don’t assume they like to be distracted. Don’t comfort them if they don’t ask. Every case is DIFFERENT learn what they wish and respect that.

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In my case: I fluctuate. It all depends on what I am anxious about for how I want to be consulted. If I am anxious about my past, I like to be comforted (held and soothed). If I am anxious about trying something new I require lots of guidance and patience. And most generally if I am facing a fear I like to go it alone with no attention on me. In the case of a panic attack, I like to be alone and unacknowledged until I am ready to talk about the matter. Again, EVERY ONE IS DIFFERENT.

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Do forgive.

  • When someone is under stress they often act out or do or say “rude” things in the moment. It is important to grit your teeth and be patient for them to reach their baseline (reach a calm level). They will apologize.

Don’t Judge.

  • This is so hard but so vital. Judgment sets many over the edge and straight into an attack. As anxious souls we know that our triggers may be something simple but to us they are HUGE deals. Honestly, we are more irritated with them than you. In this moment it is SO IMPORTANT to watch your words. Avoid, “Calm Down” “Stop Stressing” “Just do it” “It’s all in your head” “It’s not a big deal” These simple statements are the most confidence striking things you can say to someone facing their trigger.

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In my case: My last relationship I was continually told that I was psycho and persistently asked if I took my crazy meds. Each time these were said to me I was put into an attack. In my current relationship, he is so patient and mindful of my wishes. He guides me into learning new things and is patience with my hesitation. My family has learned to just shrug off my anxiousness as they have become accustomed to my “sass”.  As far as the sayings and statements, I like to be guided in breathing. I struggle immensely with breathing as I often just shut down. My “support” group is quite aware of this and they basically do a guided breathing session with me when I am in distress.

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Do praise them when you see improvements.

  • Praise is something that soothes most anxious souls. Anytime you notice them outside of their comfort zone offer them assurance in their actions. This will create a closer bond with you and the person and they are more likely to use you as an outlet.

Don’t bring anxiety up.

  • For us, anxiety is most generally always present but we create a form of suppression in some situations to block out the voices in our heads. It is SO SO SO! Important to NEVER mention that “A” word if it is not already on topic. Let them open up to you and have them mention their struggles.

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In my case: I am empowered by others reactions. I gain all of my motivation from the actions of others. This is just how I am wired. If I am not given a reaction I myself won’t react. When I am offered praise it lights a fire in my soul and I run with it. Also, if you mention anxiety to me personally, I am VERY open about my illness. Obviously. But I will openly talk about it, but I’m not everyone. J

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JUST BE THERE.

DON’T GIVE UP HOPE.

BE AVAILABLE.

DON’T EXPECT THEM TO IMMEDIATELY CHANGE.

AND NEVER EVER SUGGEST TREATMENT, unless you have the credentials.

(This is THEE biggest NO NO to any person with mental health issues.)

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I hope these DO’s and Don’ts supplied you all with a small simple insight on how to help those around you cope. The most important point to take from this post is that EVERY CASE IS DIFFERENT. Find out their wishes and needs in their times of distress.Do If you have a specific situation I didn’t touch on feel free to reach out to me in anyway. I am so thankful for all of you.

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With great gratitude,

Justine

F.E.A.R

Today was one of those days that I let anxiety consume my motivation and optimism. Today was one of those day I CHOSE to be bitter. I chose to let the fact that the “man” that raised me is about to be walking the streets of freedom EAT at me. I kept trying to play out the scenario and paint a picture of when I would see him. I kept telling myself it would not be okay. I let him win, again.

Forget Everything And Run

 

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Until I my palms and feet were pressed into my yoga mat. I focused on my breathing. I focused on my motions. And I gained control back of my body. I left my worries and FEAR in the studio and I cannot really put it into words how AMAZING that truly felt. I will be able to face the “man” that broke me.

Face Everything And Rise

 

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Fear is something that is so very prevalent in those with anxiety. It may be a constant worry because you haven’t heard back from someone in 2 hours or it may be because your anxiety is truly trama based. Where ever you are on that spectrum, your fear is NOT petty. Your fear is yours and you need to own it. Do not let it own you. You have two options. Forget Everything And Run or Face Everything And Rise. Choice is yours.

 

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What are you doing to conquer or cope with your fears? Or are you letting them be a threat?

 

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SIDE NOTE: If you struggle with anxiety try Yoga or some form of meditation. It has been the BEST therapy for me yet. 

 

With great gratitude,

Justine

Support.

Hi all,

First and Foremost.. WOW. I would have never imagined receiving that much response by just sharing to Facebook. I am so truly grateful for all of the support I have received and for those that reached out to me and shared their story. Your response added so much fuel to my fire, please keep it coming. THANK YOU ALL.

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So, living with anxiety it is VITAL to surround yourself with a solid backbone of supporters and to alleviate people that only supply to your illness. This task is extremely easier said than done. Personally, I suck at letting people go, letting anything go really. I believe I can fix them and help them through while paying no attention to my personal well-being.

 

I was in a serious relationship with a “man”. We moved into a rental home together and made ourselves a home. He was an avid alcoholic, Type 1 diabetic, and magnificent manipulator. He would verbally abuse me to the point I would throw up and shake all night. Then he would wake up the next day, apologize, state he didn’t remember anything and my gullible dumb ass self believed him. This played out for months. I thought I was destined to live out a life like generations past, I thought I was supposed to be treated this way and that he would change. I thought this was God’s plan for me. Well time passed and I continually was throwing up, frequently crying, and having panic attacks so bad I’d pass out. Multiple friends realized the change in me and advised me to see a doctor. This was when I was diagnosed. This only sparked new fights in the house, I was now “psycho” and required “crazy meds”.

I thought it was bad before but being diagnosed only threw me down hill more. I perceived myself as doomed. I had no faith that I was getting out of the hole I dug. I had been through so many worse things and one man was allowing me to be mentally ill. Until one morning.

It was after another panic attack that I woke up and realized I was done living to please others. I was done being abused and I was moving out. I realized that no matter what words someone says or the actions they propose you can rise from it. One person, or mistake does not define you. And even though my grandmother and mother both dealt with “shitbags” like this I knew I was worth more.

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Since May 2016 I have become the best version of myself. I have surrounded myself with people whom motivate me and want me to succeed. This has truly been the best “medicine” for me. Having people that I can text saying, “I cant make it to class today, #anxietyFTW” and them just understanding; it so helpful. I CANNOT stress it enough how much dumping ONE! person changed my personal well being.

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Do you have one person in your life that just feeds your anxiety? CHANGE IT.

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With great gratitude,

Justine

 

 

 

Bears in the Forest.

Hi everyone,

For those that read my previous post, I have to apologize for leaving you high and dry.. There are some topics in my life I am not stable or at peace with myself to share with you all yet. They severely get me worked up and I cannot find words to explain the emotions I felt in those times. I promise to someday be open over those topics but until then we will skip over those parts.. Please BEAR with me.

 

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With that being said..

Living life with anxiety is an adjustment. You have to deal with people not understanding why you can’t call and order pizza, or why you’re unable to try something new, or why you can’t take that leap of faith. Do you struggle finding ways to explain your anxiety to people, give this a shot.

Have you ever heard of the fight or flight response? Like when you’re being chased by a bear in the woods.. Do you fight the bear or do you RUN. That impulse is great and all when there is a bear and a forest… but not when that bear comes at you when you need to order a pizza, or you need to attend a work conference, or your life is about to change drastically. Those whom suffer from anxiety experience that same stress DAILY when they experience their ticks as they would being chased by a bear. YEAH. That’s how intense anxiety can be.

 

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What are ticks?

Ticks are the things that make you anxious, that make you feel like you’re being chased by a bear.

Here are a few of mine:

  • Making phone calls of any sort, whether it’s for pizza, an appointment, or to call my grandma.
  • Yelling or raised voice, I was raised in an abusive home, so I instantly am taken back to those memories when I hear yelling.
  • Trying new things, from food to a yoga class.
  • Meeting new people, I am so awkward and unable to socialize.
  • Not having a schedule or weekly plan, I am very organized in this manner.

What are some of your ticks? What makes your heart beat faster and your palms sweat when its placed in front of you? What are those bears in your life that chase after you?

Disclosure.

WARNING:

If you are a sympathetic person, you may need a Kleenex, as this posting consist of some pretty traumatic events.

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Early Childhood

I was born into a home consisting of a father, mother, and 1.5 year old sister. Life before my personal cognition has never really been explained. But from a young age I knew something wasn’t right. I knew the look in my mom’s eye wasn’t supposed to be there. I was about 3 when my father was first arrested for driving while intoxicated and more than likely a paraphernalia charge as well, spent a while in Greene County Jail and my mom took us to visit him a few times.

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Middle Childhood

I remember a time when my mom called a family meeting and she held a bag of white powder in her hands attempting to answer me and my sister’s flood of questions, as my dad entered the room his jaw dropped, snatched the bag and fled to the garage. Mom instructed us to gather a bag of clothes and a few toys and my dad came charging back into the house. This was the first time I vividly remember the abuse. Mom was screaming in pain and for us to hurry, my sister was shoving things into a duffle bag and my dad was ruthlessly abusing my mother, as I sat in the middle of the chaos just crying.

Another time my father was to be watching me while my mom and sister ran to town, I realized he had left and ventured over to my grandmas (she was our neighbor) to see if he was there. I walked into the garage and he and a friend were huddled in the corner holding glass tubes and mixing things together, my dad darted over to me and covered my nose and mouth and walked me back home explaining that I couldn’t be in there.

And there was a time my mother put a restraining order against him and he was not to be around us without a police officer. Well, my mom was over that, we had to cover all the windows and keep it a secret that dad was coming over for dinner.

But the most distinct traumatic time I remember was when dad stumbled in off his high throwing around anything in his reach screaming that I was not his daughter, that I didn’t look like him, that I needed to find out who my father really was while continually following me around our home throwing objects at me. My sister reassured me that I was, in fact, her sister and that dad was just “talking crazy” as she comforted me in the corner.

The abuse, manufacturing, and addiction stopped once we welcomed my baby sister to the family. My family switched to a more stable structure and we became “normal”. My father became a truck driver whom was on the road Monday – Saturday. I became a very involved in multiple activities due to the positive and able environment I was part of. My mom worked full time and balanced all of our activities. Life was great.

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Adolescence

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Freshman Year

The content peaceful life was only present for a couple years as my dad once again lost his temper, this time, onto my elder sister. His anger resulted in chasing her with a chain saw in the back hay field, knocking her to the ground and pinning her there. This event caused more uproar in my life over any other past experience. This event was a turning point. This event was the end of the Stevens family. We moved out of our house and into my maternal grandfathers, my father turned himself in, and the department of human services had been contacted. I went from being your average high school freshman cheerleader dating a football player to sitting in an office being told I cannot see my father. I was told I needed to see a counselor. This was when my symptoms became clear to me. This was when I continually told I was being “overly dramatic”. This was when I would continually cry in the middle of class. This was when I realized I was depressed. I began a journal filling it with all of my thoughts and feelings and the first time I felt that ending my life would be better than continuing to fight. This all continued for a while, my parents were living separated and in the process of a divorce, I was scheduled weekends with my father.

One morning dad and I were talking over breakfast and I asked him to promise me that he would never lay a hand on us again. And he crossed pinkies and sealed it with a kiss. A couple hours later I was blocking my baby sister from the sights of our father on our mother, I was using my adrenaline to physically lift my father off her and screaming to the tops of my lungs. I somehow managed to get him out our front door before I collapsed and the panic attack set in just seconds before I was picked up off the floor by a man in blue. I was comforted by an officer while I viewed my battered mother holding my innocent sister both uncontrollably crying. I was being asked a multitude of questions over the series events as I was shaking without control. Then my cellphone rang, “Grandma Shirley” my paternal grandmother. I went into my bedroom away from the various strangers that had entered my home. And she spat out the words, “You need to ask your mother who your real dad is.” And from there my memory blacks out. I have no memory of the rest of the conversation nor when the officers all left. I snap back as I’m sitting crossed legged on my bedroom floor with my mother and we held hands and she looked at me and said, “We don’t know who it is but we know who it could be.” Conversation continues as my mind races with pictures of my past filling my head with loads of questions over the matter. My life until this day had been a lie. My family knew of the possibility and masked the reality in order to keep a “normal family” And the worst part, my possible father lived across the street from the home I was raised in. As if I wasn’t already mentally unstable, now, I was doomed.

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Sophomore

My father was incarcerated in a state detention center over a variance of felony charges. Social workers became more active in our home and they kept pushing me to receive services and I kept pushing myself further and further away. My first mental breakdown happened when I was home alone with my thoughts. I was literally drowning from all my feelings and emotions. A friend called me in the middle of the chaos as I was literally about to cut into my skin just to feel something. She saved me. As I continued down that path I lost many friendships due to my continuous trials of trying to feel something. I became a pot head because I felt that being high was a cure. I began to smoke cigarettes because I felt it eased my anxiousness. I dated guys whom used me for their personal pleasure and nothing more. I became a new person and left the preppy cheerleader I once was. I moved out of my mother’s home and in with my paternal grandmother which only enabled me into more risky behavior. I had recently begun a relationship with my potential biological father, we would chat over Facebook messenger about very simple things in life. I went over to his house to babysit my potential newborn brother and began being present in their lives.

In the spring I moved back into my mother’s home and rebuilt my relationship with her. My mother had begun to date and left me home alone every weekend. I had begun to attend youth group and quickly became attached to the sense of home I felt with the leaders and peers. I had stopped using marijuana but still continued to smoke. I began surrounding myself with a few old friends and attempted to become a normal teenager again.

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Junior

I remember I was shoveling snow with my mom and she asked me how I felt about getting a paternity test to see if my potential dad was my biological father. My concern was not being accepted by the family I was raised in anymore. My sisters reassured me that they wouldn’t love me any different. And my paternal uncle’s family made it clear that I would always be their niece. A few weeks later we were swabbing our mouths and mailing it off. I never knew nerves until this. I was so excited to finally find the truth about who I really was. Results came back, I was biologically a Wilson and was blessed with an entire family whom welcomed me with open arms.

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..to be continued

Diagnosed.

Hi yall,

So, I have chosen to construct a blog formulating around the harsh reality of my mental illness. I have been living with them for years but was only diagnosed a little over a year ago. I am still educating myself daily over its effects and also quickly realizing how little society knows about the matter. My ideal outcome of this blog is to create a community for those with an illness to resort to when others around them simply just don’t get it. I hope to hear comparisons, examples, and advice from those whom read my postings. And I hope that all of us together can begin to create an explanation for the control our illness holds over us. Moreover for those whom read this that do not suffer daily, with great optimism, I hope that you begin to construct an understanding of the battles we fight every day.

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quote-on-anxiety-87-healthyplace

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November 10, 2015 I attended an appointment with my general practitioner over a variance of factors I had been observing in my behavior. I had a lack of motivation that prevented me from participating in general activities. I experienced nervous tremors over things the average person would find petty. I would lose control of my body and experience dramatic mental breakdowns that resulted in me ejected anything that was left in my body. I would lie awake for hours on end worrying over things that wouldn’t even directly affect me. I spewed out these symptoms to my doctor and she, without hesitation, diagnosed me with severe anxiety and depression. My jaw dropped and my stomach twisted into my lungs, I had forgotten how to breathe. She continued to spill out treatments and other medical advice to help me cope but in that moment all I could think about was what brought me here. Why did I let myself get to this point? I am attending a university and seeking out knowledge to prevent this, and now I am inflicted with it?

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What was your initial reaction? What was it that clicked in you, and made you feel the need to seek out medical help? Did you walk into the office expecting to hear that? Who was the first person you disclosed to?

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With great gratitude,

Justine

 

 

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